Bigger than ever

Howdy folks.. it seems as though I should update everyone>> First-my belly this week: 10 weeks to go!

Muy GRANDE, eh?

I keep telling myself that I only have X amount of weeks to go..but I am really counting down the paychecks.

My employer has only decided to offer me Short term disability, which will be a ...500 dollar a month pay cut..roughly. So I guess since that is my daycare budget a month, and Jonathan will be with me - so it just might work?? And I wont be having "cravings" anymore.. so that factors in money that I won't be spending at Taco Bell, Dairy Queen and a local gyro place that I can't get enough of!!! I'm also going to call up my student loan place and see if they can't help me by either lowering my payment even more, or making it disappear for the first calendar year of the birth of my baby-like they did for someone I know who went to LCB too... we shall see.

Update on baby daddy? Well, lets just say, I've been "had" in the worst possible way that I could ever imagine happening to ANY woman ever.
I think I said it best in my Facebook note:
In this case, I was under the assumption that the person that is the father of my baby on the way was single. Boy, was I wrong-and here I am-after he was deported in early March-i found out in a very cruel way how much his wife really meant to him. Ever able to forgive something so monumental? You decide.

The baby I will give birth to sometime in the next 3 months will not only be a blessing, a choice, but a link to a person that doesn't deserve to be named here.

In the future it will be my decision to tell him what happened with his Daddy-but how to explain something so complicated. But like everything with this baby-it will be solely my choice.

So here I am-frightened to death, knowing I have loved ones who are here to help and support me through all this madness. But who will be there when baby cries at 3 am? Me. Who will be there to answer the baby when he's old enough to ask why his Dad isn't around? Me. Who will plan and execute every single solitary Birthday party? Me. Who's income will be supporting this creature? Besides WIC, and food stamps eventually...Me. Who will grow to be proud of him for who he is and what he will stand for because she knows him inside and out? Absolutely and positively ONLY Me. And that, my friends, couldnt make me happier! Thats how this last couple months has been. Not only recognizing and accepting my future with a new little boy in addition to my existing soon-to-be 6 year old, but learning to love it.

I'm not gonna lie, I wasnt feeling that excited about this pregnancy after I found out all the details of the father; making me despise ever meeting him..but knowing that I will keep the best part of him all to myself, to enjoy all by myself is liberating.

After all, I will soon have two little amazing boys.. that will love me and respect me not only for who I am, but for what I help make of them.